As I look out my window….the building looks just like death row. I can’t help but to stare at it. The building is the same. The windows are the same. Even the area surrounding it is almost identical. I can’t seem to take my eyes off the building. I watch it as if it was going to jump out the way. But it doesn’t. It’s the same concrete and steel that I’ve known for 11 years now. And as I look at this building- that looks exactly like death row- I ask myself: How are you?
The conversations between Me, My/Self and I continue, because I learned long ago that if one can’t fraternize with its own soul then they are doomed to a far worse torment than the prison system. Prisons and hells are internal as well as external. I find that I am repeatedly asking my Self- How are you? Are you ok? Are you healing? I look at myself in the mirror and I ask my Self- How traumatized are you? I’ve been tough, I’ve been strong, I’ve endured, I’ve smiled when I wanted to cry and cried when I didn’t have the slightest damn idea why. I know there are scars! I know there are issues! I can’t deny that nor suppress it. We do that enough on death row. But I’m not on death row anymore, although the “god(s)” don’t seem to want to let me forget that.
What exactly am I talking about, you might be asking? I’m talking about the building that sits RIGHT outside my window. I’m currently on McConnell Unit in Beeville, TX, but you could have fooled me. In the mid-90’s when Texas was having its prison boom it used the same blueprints to build several prisons. Therefore, the same exact blueprint that was used to make Polunsky Unit was used to build McConnell Unit. When my family walks into McConnell it’s just like walking into Polunsky. The visiting rooms are identical. The Unit’s structure is the same. So are the names of the buildings. What kind of sick game is this? I left death row and turned around and came right back to…..what looks like death row.
BUT…..I’m not on 12 building. I’m on 8 building. However, right outside my window is…..12 building. Except when I look at this building I don’t see 12 building at McConnell Unit, I see 12 building death row. I know those windows like the palms of my hands. Those windows which you can’t open. They are narrow and you can only see out. I peered through those windows for 7 years and now….they peer at me. 12 building here is for Ad Seg inmates. But, I don’t see that. When I look at this building I see Tony and Gabriel. I think of F-Pod and familiar officers. I think I smell pepper spray. My mind is playing tricks on me. I blink my eyes, but I keep looking at the building. It’s like I’m in a gotdamn trance. I’m getting upset, so I pull away.
What trauma have I endured? What’s going on with my mind? Outside I am free of death row, but inside it’s still gnawing at me. It’s like nails running across the chalk board. What good does physical liberation do if my soul is chained in an abyss?
Since I left there’s been 3 executions and 2 suicides. I wake up in a cell that looks just like my cell on Polunsky except it has 2 bunks and I have a cell mate. Nevertheless, I still expect someone I know to be going out the door with a date. When I walk to the visiting room I still can see families lined up giving their last goodbyes. It’s vivid! The rage steams through my body.
I’m not ok! I need to verbalize that. I’M NOT OK! I need to hear it coming out my mouth! In a short time I’ve been faced with some challenges here. Locations change, but oppression under TDC and the struggle doesn’t. When I got engaged in my rebellion here I thought to myself….I know they’ll retaliate. I’m sure I’ll end up in Ad Seg! Shit! Then I’ll be right back where I started. The single man recreation. The cuffs everywhere you go. The isolation. 12 building! What a sick joke that is! Could I do it again? 4 years? 6? 7? My soul grunts at the thought of it.
Down south the fog comes a lot in the morning. I rise, as always, around 7ish. I open my window and look out. 12 building is almost covered, but I can catch a light or two on shining from the building looking like the yellow eyes of the demon dog from hell. I can’t help but to think about what I left behind, what I endured and what others are still enduring today. They question if the death penalty is cruel and unusual punishment. Albert Camus said:
“Capital Punishment is the most premeditated of murders, to which no criminal’s deed, however calculated, can be compared! For there to be equivalency, the death penalty would have to punish a criminal who had warned his victim of the date at which he would inflict a horrible death on him and who, from that moment onward, had confined him at his mercy for months. Such a monster is not encountered in private life.”
As a child I was scared of the dark (like most children) – too many scary movies. You always thought a monster lurked down the hall, so you’d run to turn on the light. And run back! I should have been a track star. But, to who does the death row inmate run? To God? Maybe! “Christian” politicians who cry for blood don’t give God a good name. Why is brutality made to look so good in amerika?
It seems I’m still running from the monster. These thoughts spark as I read Primo Levi’s “Survival in Auschwitz.” People wonder why we would compare death row to a concentration camp- because it’s all the same. It’s death! It’s oppression! For the many that entered- not as many would leave. And for those that survived, it was a miracle. Like those in the camps, they struggled to live one more day. They held on that….maybe today will be the day I get out. Like them, we have the same thoughts. Just one more appeal, just one more exoneration. Death rows are the Auschwitz’s of the West! Ye gods! What games do you play to torment us mortals?
Self spoke to me today. Self said that I had to toughen up, that I could not come this far and falter. Self feels my knees wobble and heart race. Self knows that I’ve been looking out the window too much. I turn to Self and remind it (in the words of Nietzsche): “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look long into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.”
I’ve been regurgitated out the whale, you see! And it seems…. That I too (like Captain Ahab) have become obsessed with the whale. Yes, I’m obsessed with its capture! I’m obsessed with its demise! I cannot sleep. My mind is unable to rest. I’ve been through a war. I suffer from everything that Vietnam and Iraq veterans do. We’ve had something stolen from us. The government doesn’t care- no thief does.
There’s no therapy for me, though. No couch! No group talks! My teachers remain buried in the history of tragic struggles. But, revolution is born of tragedy, is it not?! I have a bitter-sweet fruit to consume. I have meditations to continue: new mantras and chants to conjure up that will give me new answers filled with new strengths.
But for now, the Tango continues. What was once a very intimate dance- body to body, face to face, we now dance apart, but still our arms and eyes remain locked upon each other. Our eyes do not part. The tango is very intimate.
And so, as I search to heal, search to understand…I take another glance out the window, There’s not a smile and there’s not a tear, but there is a knowing. You can crush a rose, but its fragrance will remain. And death row- my fragrance continues. As we keep the fight going, death row, know that I’ll never accept less… I’ll give no less than everything…even if everything is less than what I was expecting… I’ll settle for nothing less.
Yes, the struggle does continue, and yes, I do remain (though crushed) the rose that won’t stop emanating from the concrete!
Straight Ahead!
Surviving…
Haramia KiNassor
2/17/08 4:24 PM
Friends,
we have received some disturbing news from our comrade Kenneth Foster Jr., who was commuted off of death row on August 30th 2007 and since then housed at the McConnell Unit in Beeville, TX. Kenneth has alerted me that he and many of the men he is stationed with in Close Custody have been repeatedly denied their recreation time. This is in direct violation with TDCJ policy and constitutes inhumane treatment of inmates. Men have gone days at a time without leaving their cells. Kenneth expressed to me that this isolation has 'driven him to the breaking point' and he is 'about to go off'.
Kenneth has asked us to relay a plea for support from his comrades, abolitionists and supporters. Attached is a sample letter, or petition of grievance that can be either directly copied or personalized and then mailed in to the attached addresses. This is a small step toward improving the day-to-day experiences of our fighters on the inside and is a gesture that would be greatly appreciated. An individual complaint should be mailed to each of the 6 addresses. If you are able to help in this matter, reply to this E-mail to better track the grievance process.
I have asked that Kenneth keep us updated on the treatment of his level and to supply further details into this matter. On a positive note, I visited with Kenneth just before the new year and he was in good health and has a sharp focus on our future struggles.
Toward Abolition,
Laura Brady and the KFSG
PETITION DRAFT LETTER:
Dear Sir-
We would like to bring to your attention a very serious issue that we would like your attention and intervention on. It is involving situations that we feel involve violations of TDC Policy and also abuse of authority and indifference toward humane treatment.
We send you this petition on the behalf of men stationed on Close Custody (8 building, section K1 & 2) on the McConnell Unit in Beeville, TX.
This petition stems from the fact that men on Close Custody are purposely being denied their recreation privileges by the McConnell Administration. It seems that the reasons being given are not justified and from a consensus of what the officers say (relayed from the offenders there) is that this is being done strictly because they are Close Custody. While Close Custody may have lesser privileges than the rest of the Unit, without a doubt they are due what is allotted by TDC Policy.
On a consistent basis men are being denied recreation. Two reasons (one of the two or sometimes both) are given:
-weather is too bad for outside recreation-lack of staff
While these reasons are given there are alternative routes to give the offenders recreation.
When weather is too bad for outside recreation the offenders have requested, as allotted to them by policy, dayroom recreation. Every Sergeant that works 8 building has told them that they do not get dayroom recreation, that there is no substitute when outside recreation is cancelled or that dayroom is not recreation. As we will show- this is contrary to policy.
*Page 32 of the TDCJ Offender Orientation Handbook says:
c) G5 Custody Offenders will be allowed two (2) hours each day.
It also states that:
Non-programmatic recreation activities may include:*Dayroom games such as chess, checkers and dominoes.
So, it is clear that Policy states that dayroom is recreation.In addition:
*Page 7 of the Disciplinary Rules and Procedures states:a. recreation-dayroom, gymnasium and outdoor recreation yard.
Therefore, McConnell Unit's Staff's statement that dayroom is not recreation is false.Please take note that policy does not say what time Close Custody should get recreation. The Staff there has enforced a morning ONLY time and refuse to substitute for a later time if the weather clears.
We would like to point out that on K-pod (where Clsoe Custody is held) there are 3 sections: 1 and 2 are Clsoe Custody, but section 3 is Medium Custody. On days when weather is good, but the Administration states that they have a lack of Staff, 3 section gets their full privileges:
-they walk to chow-they get their outside recreation-they get their dayroom time
However, McConnell's Administration states they don't have officers to watch the inmates. Close Custody only gets 2 hours a day, whereas Medium Custody gets most of the day. How is it feasible that one section of offenders cannot be watched at the same time that another- directly next to it- is being watched? It's obvious that what is being done is being done to Close Custody in an arbitrary fashion, it's being done to lessen the work of the officers and it's being done in disregard to what these men are due.
Close Custody offenders have begun grieving this process. They have stated what we have stated in this petition to you, yet nothing has changed. You can check grievance records, Step 1's have been denied and Step 2's are in motion. We would like to know why the McConnell Wardens are ignoring this situation.
We would also like to say that we feel that as long as offenders are following Policy that they should be treated fairly and given what they are due. McConnell Unit was just on lockdown from November 13, 2007-December 31, 2007. They were allowed recreation on January 1, 2008. They were denied recreation on January 2, 2008. They were given inside recreation on the 3rd and 4th and then denied recreation on the 5th, 6th and 7th of January. This is borderline cruel and unusual punishment when you force men to stay in a cell (with a cellmate) for 24 hours straight (when it's not a threat to security- we understand that during lockdowns this must be endured, but nevertheless it is still a harsh treatment).
We are asking you to intervene before these offenders can no longer endure and we are asking you to intervene because it is right. If an offender breaks the rules he will be punished according to your Policy. We ask that the Policy be followed all of the time and not just when it's convenient for the Unit. We hope that you will correct this problem and also give us a written response on this matter. Thank you for your time.
PETITION ADDRESSES:
Doug Dretke, DirectorTDCJPO Box 99Huntsville, TX 77342
Brad LivingstonTDCJPO Box 99Huntsville, TX 77342
Kathy Cleere, Ombudsman CoordinatorTDCJPO Box 99Huntsville, TX 77342
TDCJ-Office Inspector GeneralPO Box 4003Huntsville, TX 77342
Keith ClendennenAdministrator for Offender GrievancesPO Box 99Huntsville, TX 77320
TDCJ-CID Region IV (Mr. Castro)HCO2 Box 965Beeville, TX 78102
I wanted to sit down and address a few people directly, because I think it's important to give thanks to those that made this victory possible. If it wasn't for certain people I know I would not be alive today. First and foremost, I give praise and thanks to The Most High for giving me the strength to carry on through all these years for I know that I didn't do it by myself. I've watched too many men give up, condemn themselves, mutilate themselves, try to commit suicide and then there was those that did commit it. When we say that we live in a hell the description is pretty close. I didn't just start praying when I got this date. I've been striving towards spiritual attainment for a LONG time. But, prayer takes time and it does work. Without the support and love of my grandparents and Uncle Lloyd I wouldn't be here. They've been the rock foundation to my house since DAY ONE! There were here when it started and they were here at the end. Much of who I am today is because of them and I have a life long service of betterment dedicated to them. And to my daughter for being the warrior princess she is. Her love made and kept me. I have to give an unmatched love to my wife who has been by my side for over 2 years now; a person whom when was hated on she just found a way to dig in harder! No relationship is perfect, but through the fire we just become more purified. We've rolled with all the punches and if we've made it this far then there is no stopping or turning back. Much love to my dad for stepping up when it counted. The same to my cousin Beverly Fisher whom rallied the troops. Big love to all my cousins, Aunts and Uncles that came to my side. You all touched my heart in a MAJOR way. Thank you for being there, because your vibes kept me positive. Then I've got to give HUGE props to my good friend Adam Axel for doing amazing things. This young man has done some things that probably many of you don't realize. This guy was literally like a central command for me. You all have no idea. He acted as a central station to get me messages/letters/printouts/emails/updates from all over the world. Almost weekly I was getting 100 page Fed-X packages. Outside of the general campaign work he went above and beyond what was expected. I was definitely blessed to have you on my side. Outside of the work he kept me level headed and inspired. He's got a great future ahead of him. And have no doubts about it I have to extend gigantic revolutionary greetings to the vanguard of the anti-death penalty movement the CEDP! These people are gladiators when it comes to grassroots activism and they definitely were the force behind this frontline. Bryan McCann you definitely helped us move mountains, and the whole Austin crew (Randi, Stefanie, Laura, Dana and the other comrades). We did this from Coast to Coast - made the people hear us. These other so called anti death penalty groups need to take some notes from how this group moves and functions for if they followed suit we may be able to abolish this death penalty very shortly. Just think that if all the anti death penalty groups moved in this fashion. It's time to revamp their strategies. Use the CEDP as an example they ARE the vanguard. While there's no other groups that I can extend that type of thanks to there are individuals of groups that I'd like to thank for showing me some great support and solidarity. Big props goes to Steve Hall for making some big things happen. Thanks to Scott Cobb for holding an event on my behalf and also to Dave Atwood for being there. All of this played a role in this victory. And from the top of my heart let me say that the love and support of Mary Felps and her crew helped me get where I am today. I was visited weekly by JoAnne Scott. They did to the best of their ability all they could for me. Much of that credit goes to her assistant JoAnne who mailed, typed, editted and so on. She definitely was a crutch that held me up. She is also the person that got Sean Paul Kelley on our team. Mary did amazing work through writing folks and did me a great service through an Amicus for Clemency to the Parole Board. There's much more too, but some things I'll just be taking to the grave with me one day (smile). They are amazing people. I want to end with giving respect to some media channels that did me a great service: Pacifica, Forth Worth Star Telegram, Austin Statesman, Dallas Morning News. I want to specially thank KXAN for covering this story in a fair way. They were very much the professionals. I think these people gave extra support my way and they must know that I'm not going to let them down. There was so many petitions that I can't name them all. I must give much love to June and her Italian Film crew who tirelessly covered this fight. To Chiara and the crew - I love you all too. I know I'm missing some folks by name but I got you in my heart. I especially got those in my heart that some of you never knew, but has been here for years like my god-mum Christine in England who helped me know love in new ways. Petra with ALIVE in germany. Grazia with PRC in Italy, who helped me with Sheila Murphy. And yes, I owe Sheila Murphy so much for if nothing else being a spiritual friend. But she did an amazing Amicus Brief and we all owe ArchBishop Desmond Tutu so much love for supporting us. My French girls did amazing things - Emilie, Vi, Fatou, Kadia. Can't leave out my amazing web-master Ms. Jennie. That site was the heart of this body and she ran it like a pro! This has turned into a book, but it was necessary. My heart in overflooded with love and gratitude.
A special thanks goes to Sheila Murphy, Andrew Lofthouse, Tom Cahill and Archbishop Desmond Tutu for there work on the Amicus Brief that was submitted to the US Supreme Court. I haven't forgotten you, Keith Hampton. Though you gave me the blues on more occasions than I can name you stuck in there and kept me alive for 10 years where I could build this support team that helped make this happen. I've seen guys get to death row AFTER me and be done with their appeals and executed in 6 years. So, I'm thankful for the motions, supplements, Certs, motions (again,) rehearings etc.. that you filed. Let it be known that I'm still not done fighting. As I've said as long as I have breath then freedom is within my grasp. I fully believe that it is not my destiny to spend the rest of these years in prison, though I know that being here for a minute is part of what I was called to do. My place is out there with you all working for this Struggle. For now I will do it from within here. But trust me, my gears have not stopped spinning on how to gain my freedom. (You should see the smile on my face right now.) I exit this message with nothing but love on my lips, but you will hear from me again. I have a new environment to adjust to, but I won't let one minute slip past me. I have so much that I want to pursue and do. And it will be done! Peace, Love and Respect to you all. Somebody send Mr. Rick Perry a complimentary DRIVE tshirt for me as a token of my deep gratitude! Always, your soldier on the battlefield! Kenneth"
